Monday, December 23, 2013

I have lost that christmas feeling.

Hello, to whomever is out there. I doubt there is anyone still reading this old blog, and i wouldnt blame anyone. I can hardly believe its been over a year since my last post. Almost a year and a half! In some ways, it feels like its been an eternity since my adoption came to a close, but in other ways, i am so used to waiting and wishing my life away, that the days vanish beneath me, and blur, making time fly by. 

I dont exactly know why after all this time i have returned. A part of me felt so bad to anyone who was engaged in my blog, to just leave it hanging on such an awful note, not really giving any sort of closure to my situation. Was the adoption on, or was it truly off? I didn't want to come back, because, well...i had no good news to share. Only bad. And i am, or i was an optimistic person, and i cant stand the whiners and complainers, crying out to people they dont know on blogs, I just didn't want to be all 'woe is me' you know? But now, i don't really care, i deserve a little whining. And today, i need to tell someone all that i hold inside. 

I guess the biggest reason for this post, is probably due to the impending christmas. Which is a hard enough time as it is for all us infertile women. Christmas is such a family time. And its so beautiful as such. Actually everything is such a family time....but christmas this year, is especially painful. Last year was too, as it was the first christmas we had to face the facts that we will not be expecting our baby. But this year is even colder. Crueler in some way. Maybe it has truly sunk in this year. Or maybe i have just lived an entire year , gone through all the seasons, and holidays without the remote possibility of becoming a mother, without any hope. and now that i have reached the end of the year and seen that the rest of my life will be this but probably worse, has just been breaking me down. 

I have always been such a christmas obsessed person. Or holidays of any sort. And this year, i have just felt hollow. Dead inside. I cant bring about that magical feeling no matter what i do. 
People tell me that at least i can ' move on ' now, 'start my life'...what life? This is not a life i want. This life, is cruel, long, bitter. How can i get through the next 50 years living like this. I dont remember wanting anything more then a family. I can;t even imagine what it will be like to be on my deathbed, thinking to myself that i cant believe i never got to have a family. My only ride on this earth, and i missed out on everything i wanted, i never got to hold my baby, talk to my baby, hear his voice in my head calling out 'mom'. Sure maybe i can have some shallow experiences. A new car, a house, a boat blah blah. But who cares. I don't drive. I dont really want a house. I get sea sick. I don't really care for travelling across the globe. I just want to be a mother. 

But i wont be. Lifes not fair they say. People have it worse. People are dying. Well, you know what....i am already dead. I may be alive and "healthy " but i am not healthy of mind. I am broken beyond repair. I quit my job. Cut out all my friends and family. Not to be nasty, but just because one day, i just didn't care anymore.  I am in debt up to my eyeballs, it will take me a lifetime to pay it off, except i have no job now.... just debt, with nothing to show. Everytime i pay it down a tad, i cry hysterically. I feel like i have been robbed. Every thing that i was, or hoped to be has been stolen from me from this journey.

I can hardly leave the house these days, and the last 3 times i did in the summer, 3 horrible things happened, plunging us further into debt, and closing the book forever on adopting/fostering/ or having any children in my life. I truly believe i am cursed, and i am terrified to leave my house. Something happens EVERY time, perhaps people have just gotten cruel, or life is just supposed to be this damn hard with little to no happiness.

 I know what you are thinking. I sound extremely depressed, and perhaps its for the best that this did not work out for me. But believe me, this is not who i was. I was a social butterfly, happy, excited i had that, you know, christmas feeling about life. I had goals and dreams. And then suddenly, they were just gone, and there is no way around it ( believe me i have tried ) and they is no way to get them back. It just is what it is. Adoption broke my soul in a way i cant explain, and i have never even heard of this happening to anyone to this degree. Its like the day it failed, i lost myself overnight. I stare into the mirror, and i want to strangle the person on the other side. I hate her. Who feels this way? I know deep down that this is all my fault. I have destroyed my husbands life. He is stuck with a disgusting infertile, whos screwed up body is the cause of most of our debts, who cant drive, nor work, has developed some sort of extreme agoraphobia and social anxiety, is depressed, has no goals or hopes beyond get up and dream about all the ways i can escape this endless tireless life and then drown in self pity and sleep to repeat again another day. I am a loser. Now i am. And in the state im in, even if by some magical miracle, somehow we were able to adopt or conceive, i wouldnt be able to go through with it because i doubt i can ever get myself back. I cant fathom how that would even happen. I am so far from who i was that i cant imagine how i could ever become that sweet naive girl, who was so positive and full of life. You cant go back to that. Ill never be her again. And the woman i am today, is a mess, waiting for deaths mercy. I know it sounds dramatic. But i don't believe in putting on a show for some blog readers that may or may not read this. 

This is my life now.
Now do you see why i didnt come back?
Nobody wants to hear this crap. Nobody wants to read what happens when nothing happens, and your doomed to watch tv until you die. I truly have nothing to write ever, because i have nothing to write about, nothing ever happens. And nothing ever will. I am sorry i have nothing positive to update with. But perhaps this will resonate with someone else who has experienced what i have, and know you are not alone. Because i really feel like i am. I feel like i am dead inside. I can;t remember the last time i have not been empty and lost. I keep thinking it will go away and i will be back to my old self. But it never does because as long as i know i am motherless, with better chances of winning the lottery then ever getting to hold a baby in my arms, i will feel this way. It will never go away.  I literally wake up every morning and i cant believe this is my life. I know some of you may feel i have no right to complain. There are people dying and suffering. That's true. But should they not complain either, because there is someone always worse off? Your pain is all relative. And i know what i feel: Dead. Except sadly, i am not.

Friday, July 27, 2012

When it POURS.

Hi everyone.

This might be my last post....I haven't decided yet.

Where do i start. I guess the 'rainstorm' happened about 3 weeks ago. I got a devastating call about my grandmother who had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. My family and I dropped everything and flew out to see her, probably for the last time.
I had to dip into my ' adoption fund ' Which was worrisome because it was already going to be quite tight financially, but really, when your grandmother is dying and you have one last shot to see her, you take it. It was a sad visit that left me emotionally spent.  I had no idea what else what in store.

About 2 days after returning home, my sister calls me and tells me that my stepfather - Someone i care about very deeply, he is the only father i have really ever known he is the one who walked me down the aisle on my wedding day- left my mother a suicide voicemail. I won't get into the voicemail, but i heard it and spend the next hour in hysterics, hyperventilating into a paper bag. It was one of the worst moments and worst things i have ever heard, and it changed me- for the worse i think.
So i fled to my mothers house, where my brother sister and I were trying to get a hold of my stepfather, and desperately trying to get the police to do their jobs. I was there for about 8 hours, crying, and frantically texting my stepfather to come back home to the people that love him. I think i sent him about 80 or so texts before he finally texted:  'Help'.
 I called him and he answered, but when i asked him where he was, he sounded so out of it that all he could muster was a simple "Help. I'm .." I have never known a broken heart until that moment. I felt so helpless and angry and scared and sick all at the same time. My stepfather was calling me to help, and i could not.
The police couldn't track his phone, they said the number didn't exist *idiots* we confirmed it did by phoning all the phone companies and finding out who his provider was. Still, they could do nothing.
Luckily he had a second phone which he had used to text his daughter, and this one they could trace. They found him in a parking lot with the hose from the vacuum cleaner on his Tailpipe, mere minutes away from death from exhaust fumes.
We all rushed to see him in the hospital. He was deeply affected by the fumes and was really out of it. He declared that nothing had changed and as much as he loved us, he was 'done'. I spent the next week visiting him in the psych ward, to which he is staying in for quite some time, and dealing with my traumatized family. There were lots of tears, fights, and emotional breakdowns from all of us. It was a tough week, and just when i thought things might be settling down a tad, the next bomb dropped.

We received an email from our adoption agency Choices, saying that they had terminated contracts with OWAS, our American agency. Without this connection an adoption from the DRC would not be possible. "Never fear"- they said- "we have two other options for you."
We looked into the options given to us and sadly we can not afford either option. Both are way out of reach for us. Especially since i have spent 3000 over budget this month, because of all of these emergencies that couldn't be helped. It was already very very tight financially and we already have debts, no matter what we do we can not make this work. Both require us to put forth 20,000+ more then what we have.
The American agency then told us they are willing to continue working with us, however our Canadian agency refuses to work with them.
Sounds like they are having issues and not getting along. It's nice that we Canadian families have to pay the ultimate price for this dissension.

Oh but we qualify for a refund- a grand total of 300 dollars. Nice huh? Sigh.

So after 7 1/2 years of desperation, endured trials and tribulations, probably something like 90,000 spent on our journey to have a baby, both through adoption and trying to beat my infertility, we have come to an end. We will never be a family of three. I will never get to hold my child in my arms. It hurts more then i can describe, and i don't think i have finished a day without tears, for all that i have lost, including the chunk of my heart that this adoption ripped from my chest.

I have only wanted to be a mother, since i was 13 and begged my mother to adopt and let me 'secretly have' the baby. What am i supposed to do for the next 50 years. Just merely work and exist? My mother keeps referring to her childless friends that have great lives and spend the days bowling away. I don't wish to bowl, i don't even like bowling. I know she is only trying to help, but it just hurts more thinking about how grim my future looks. How life will be exactly as it is now, forever.

I don't mean to whine or have a major pity party but why me? What have i done so wrong to miss out on the ultimate experience, to have one life but not be able to truly live it and have my only dream.

For those of you that have the dream, just hold your little ones close and give them a little squeeze for me. Never forget how blessed you are.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

2 months down!

I am WAY overdue for a blog post, sorry bout that. I find that the more i try to avoid writing in this blog the faster the time goes, suddenly when i come back im like " Oh wow, it's been a month since my last post! Waiting for a referral isn't so bad after all! "

Sometimes though, the wait feels torturous and i just need to vent or feel like i am doing something adoptioney < Not a word.  So posting on this blog is super therapeutic. It just depends i guess. Adoption is a roller coaster that's for sure. So expect erratic posts, sometimes they will come in abundance and sometimes they just wont.

Any how.... I thought it was quite exciting to let you guys know that it has already been 2 MONTHS since we submitted our dossier!!!!! How awesome is that! It's actually a little over 2 months since we submitted April 20. It does feel like it's going by pretty fast overall. This is probably because i am super good at keeping myself busy, I have far too many hobbies! Also it really hasn't been that long, i am sure by the 10th or 11th month i will be pulling my hair out, desperate for the referral!
If current trends persist we should only have 10 more months of this waiting to go, as it seems most get their referrals at the year mark! It almost the length of a pregnancy! Then of course i still have a long way to go after the referral...still it is going to be amazing to have a picture of the little guy who is going to make us two into a three and finally make us a family!

Until then life goes on and on

I have been spending lots of time with my niece. Gosh i just love her. She is constantly asking when he ( her new cousin ) is going to get here because she wants someone to play with - I remind her that she does have two very fun little brothers, but i guess someone not related to you is just 100x more fun.  

My niece kept playing with one of our future sons stuffies all day and calling him 'cousin', kids are awesome. I think i may have to let her keep her 'cousin' doll and pick up a new one.

I can't believe what a big girl she has become I was really noticing it on our last sleepover, things change in a blink of an eye, I swear she was just a baby yesterday! I can only hope i can savor every minute once my little angel gets here!


Sunday, May 20, 2012


How beautiful is this?!


I just really do love typewriters and all things vintage! I own a typewriter but it is nothing like this beauty. If i owned this typewriter i fear my computer would start growing cobwebs... i would be on my patio poking away at this gorgeous creation until my fingers bled. 
Note to self;  Reasearch painting old typewriter pink, find out if it's more cost effective then just buying one straight off.

Anyway I'm sure you didn't come here to read about typewriters, you came to read about our adoption.  
Sadly as often happens in the adoption world i have no new news. With a process so long, more then half of it is waiting and not knowing and not having much news to share.

Can't wait to build him a bookwall like one of these!
I haven't been working on any of  the 'z-dazzling' projects yet   but i have been starting him a library collection! He already has a massive amount of books thanks to super cheap thrift stores and a bargain hunting mommy! I am wanting to build him an entire bookwall in his room so he is going to need a lot of books to fill those shelves!

Besides that though no more Leon news or projects to report.

As for me... I have fallen off the nutrisystem wagon! I fell off due to my oh so adorable niece spending the night, I was having so much fun and fell into old habits and decided to have some ice cream with her, one thing led to another and i was quickly out of control!
As of yesterday though, I am back on the path to health! Lets hope i stay on it this time!!

Baby name reveal!


Well today I have an exciting announcement! Well, exciting to me at least. My husband and I have finally come to a conclusion about what to name our little soon to be son, while yes we are still rather early in the game it's nice to have something to call him. Previously he was known as baby 'Z' as we were nearly certain we were going to name him * Zack * short for Zaccheus, well, needless to say that is out of the question now. Our families were all " Don't name him that " and " heavens thats awful " so much so that we questioned the name to the point of hating it ourselves.

Life always has a way of knowing whats best! So we have fallen in love with a new name, and know without a doubt that this name is the name of our little boy.


How adorable is this name! It's so cute, and retro and it hasn't got around too much and it's not a bizarre sounding name!

We are going to officially name him Leonard -len-urd- yes, i know, it's not a 'cool' name, but we aren't cool folks! I just think it has such a sweet old fashioned feel to it. We plan to call him Leon 90 percent of the time though.

So thats that! The name is out there. Middle name? Oh gosh, that's going to take me at LEAST a month to figure out. Good thing i have 2 years till Leon is here!

I wonder if I can change my blogs name, feels odd that it is called 'Adopting Z' When he is now an L!

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Projects for baby Z's room!

Hello again!

So i went to Ikea for the first time ever, and i am officially in LOVE with ikea. How affordable is that place!!!!! I can pretty much furnish my entire sons room at hardly any cost at all and have money left for important things; TOYS!- Hahaha, or you know, a college fund or whatever...

I went there spent 150 bucks and got a toybox, highchair, table set with 2 chairs, a end table and a soft toy!

Only downside to ikea stuff;

Somethings are just downright ugly:

Yes i did buy that. It's a toybox...or more likely just a really really ugly box! Never fear, i have some pretty intense plans for this box! I am going to make it suitable for my little angel. I am going to call it ; pimp that box! No? What about; Z-dazzlin'. Dazzlin up everything ugly into things of pure perfection for my soon to be son- and doing it on the cheap! I am determined to be a super cheap, super crafty mom, and yet not sacrifice anything in the process, i will have it all!

So stay tuned for ths project of mine.

I also bought the matching table and chair set for his room, which will be my next project.

Followed by this end table ( don't actually know why i bought this or what i am going to do with it, it was 10 dollars so i couldn't resist! )

And lastly i finally decided on a highchair for my son; the blames from ikea. It's actually pretty gorgeous, while being simple, and matching my house, and being wooden and of course, CHEAP! It was everything i was looking for and more, so of course; I bought it :D I don't think i have much to do to fix it up, it looks perfect as is. I might do something though just to make it special...we'll see.

And so, the extreme waiting begins....

Hello everyone!

I have a ton of news to share with you all. Starting with the best news of all; We sent in our dossier and as of 19/04/12 we are on the waitlist for our little guy. Hopefully by this time next year ( or earlier ) we will have a photo of our son, we will have a son. I was going to take a picture of us mailing away our dossier, but, of course I had forgotten my phone :(

It has been a bit of a crazy week getting everything together, had a few glitches with our money order and the notarizing of our documents, but other then that it wasn't too bad. I just can't believe that pretty much all the work is done, so far this journey has been fairly smooth and quite fast i just hope it continues in this pattern. I can't believe it's been 7 months since we started all of this, seems like so long ago and yet it's gone by much faster then i thought it would!

In other non adoption related news i have started Nutrisystem! By the time my son gets here i want to be in tip top shape! I don't want anything holding me back from being the mom that he deserves! I don't want to be the kind of mom who shys away from getting pictures with her children, or going everywhere because they are too ashamed to be seen. Which is pretty much the way i am now, I am only partially living. Once i am given the gift of my son, i don't want to teach him these poor habits. I want to show him a life that is bursting with joy, I have waited too long for him for it to be anything less than spectacular....and i know it will have it's ups and downs, and surely it will never be perfect...but i would hate for my weight and my insecurities to take anything away from the life we could have together. I want to be active, happy, fun and most of all, i want to live a long life so I can see my boy give me grandchildren someday! ( Already thinking about grandchildren! I am mad! )

So I embark on my nutrisystem diet at a whopping 223 pounds! Yikes! I am only 5'5 so yes, I am very overweight! I started April 17th so I have been on it 5 days and have already shed a whopping 8 pounds with no exercise at all, just eating the food! Pretty remarkable! It's definitely working, and I must say the food is not at all as bad as many reviewers make it out to be. Some things are really quite delicious! It is VERY small portions though and I have felt like i was starving to death, but alas, i am still alive, and starting to feel better about myself!

Once I get to week 2 I plan to add some exercise....I dont know what yet, but something. The best thing about trying to get in shape for baby is that it really keeps my mind off of everything and gives me time to focus on myself one last time. I told my husband I am 'pregnant, in reverse' It is a huge perk about adopting, being paper pregnant affords me the time to get in shape and seeing as how my baby is currently not growing within me, I am only eating for 1! ( Although on nutrisystem i am eating for .5 of a person! But heck it's worth it! )

Another hobby of mine that I am absorbing myself back into is my photography. I love photography and have really let it fall to the wayside since i learned of my infertility years ago. Once again though i feel like i have things to photograph again, the world is beautiful and i want my son to see all of the things we were up to while we awaited his precious arrival.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Just when you least expect it...

I apologize for my previous depressing post. It was really hard waiting while knowing we aren't even on a waitlist for our baby. However all of that is about to change much sooner then expected, guess what came in the mail yesterday morning?

Our approval for Immmigration Part one! Which means as soon as my husband finishes transferring the money we need so we can pay the huge fees we can send away our dossier and officially get on that waitlist! Judging from everyone from my agency the timelines definitly seem to be about a year until you get that coveted referral so at least i kind of have an idea and i know what to expect.

I have many plans for this next year to keep myself as busy as possible!
I have started NutriSystem...just waiting for my order to arrive so i can get on it. I plan to be a fit healthy mama!
Now that i am graduated, I have to focus on getting my career going.
I plan to work more on my Piano since i have been neglecting it!
I am going to learn to sew, at last! My mother is going to teach me so that i can make my L.O halloween costumes some day! Hahaa. More then just halloween costumes, I plan on being a super cheap resourceful mom. I don't want to deprive my son from anything, but of course it's hard to afford it all, so i am going to craft,sew and hand make everything i possibly can now while i have the time. I have gotten crazily addicted to the website Pinterest, that site has AMAZING DIY ideas. Once i learn to sew i am going to do a project every week. I might as well benefit from having a 2 year 'pregnancy' by taking the time to handmake everything!

And last but not least i am going to spend a ton of time being an amazing wife, practicing my culinary skills ( or getting some! ) and spending as much time with my nieces and nephews.

My little 4 year old niece is coming over for a sleepover next week, i am super excited to have some quality time with her. I am also going to her ballet and hip hop performance this month!

I am going to start making plans and living in the moment because tomorrow is just too far away.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Wow It has been a long time.

Hello friends!

I apologize for my lack of blogging, it's been a busy few weeks in our house mostly while i finished up school, my finals and all....and at last i am finished!

It feels incredible to be done with school and looking back it has gone by fast, which is very comforting when i think about my adoption, especially since i have figured out that the timelines of most people adoptiong from the Congo are somewhere around 2 years as opposed to the year i had been expecting. I just pray that the next 2 years of my life fly by just like my year at school did.

I am sure the key to keeping that clock ticking is simply to keep busy. I fully intend to keep my schedule as packed as possible so that i don't have a moment to long for my baby, or wish my life away.

It's really hard waiting now, especially because there is nothing to do. We have recieved our typed up homestudy in the mail, we are currently awaiting our part 1 immigration approval, but it's taking it's sweet time. 2 months wait so far, ugh. Untl then we are stuck doing nothing, we technically arent even waiting for our baby yet either, so we are literally not moving. To say i am deeply frustrated by this whole system is an understatement. I just hope i feel a little better once i too am in line for a referral.

According to my research, and i have done a ton, it seems as though it's about a years wait to obtain that coveted referral, and then another year till you hold that sweet baby in your arms. I hope we get that pre approval within the next month or two, because then it would line up with me having my boy home in June 2014, impossibly far away, but at least i would have him home during the summer months.

How sad is it that by that point it would have taken us a good 8 years to have us a baby :(

It's getting harder and harder to convince myself that the wait is worth it....after 8 years of waiting you just begin to feel somewhat numb, not to mention i have no idea what to expect of being a parent and what such a gift might entail. One things for certain, after completing my 8 year journey to become a parent i am going to be the most patient person in the world!

Friday, February 10, 2012


Sorry for the lack of decent updates, the hubby and I have been busy little beavers as of late. Currently we are trying to gather everything for the Dossier and it is turning out to be something of a challenge.

One of the things you need for the dossier is a criminal clearance from your local police station, written on a letterhead, stating that you are free of criminal activity. This little document has given us more trouble then anything else so far. There doesnt seem to be an officer willing to do this for us, even though when you think about it, writing a simple one sentence letter is not that hard.

We did however manage to get another document for travelling that basically states we are criminal free, so it is kind of like what our Agency requested, I just hope they accept it, because we paid quite a bit to get it, and we had to REDO our criminal checks in order to get it.

I actually had to leave school early in order to make it to the station before it closed, otherwise i wouldnt have been able to get it for over a month as I am in school for 26 days in a row, for 14 hours a day! Luckily we made it about 5 minutes before close, and they had forgotten to give us the travellers clearance paper, which was the reason we got the criminal checks in the first place! Weasles, I tell ya!

We also got our doctors written letters. Which was another slight struggle. But what is adoption without struggle!

I must say though, it feels amazing to be powering through all of this. We have nearly collected everything we need except for our completed homestudy report and our passports. Once we recieve that, we pretty much just need to notarize, and then SEND! Once it's sent it is pretty much just waiting, and waiting some more for a picture of our sweet angel! I CANT WAIT! It won't be long till i have his photograph, and until i can see my son, and say that i actually have a son!!