Friday, July 27, 2012

When it POURS.

Hi everyone.

This might be my last post....I haven't decided yet.

Where do i start. I guess the 'rainstorm' happened about 3 weeks ago. I got a devastating call about my grandmother who had just been diagnosed with lung cancer. My family and I dropped everything and flew out to see her, probably for the last time.
I had to dip into my ' adoption fund ' Which was worrisome because it was already going to be quite tight financially, but really, when your grandmother is dying and you have one last shot to see her, you take it. It was a sad visit that left me emotionally spent.  I had no idea what else what in store.

About 2 days after returning home, my sister calls me and tells me that my stepfather - Someone i care about very deeply, he is the only father i have really ever known he is the one who walked me down the aisle on my wedding day- left my mother a suicide voicemail. I won't get into the voicemail, but i heard it and spend the next hour in hysterics, hyperventilating into a paper bag. It was one of the worst moments and worst things i have ever heard, and it changed me- for the worse i think.
So i fled to my mothers house, where my brother sister and I were trying to get a hold of my stepfather, and desperately trying to get the police to do their jobs. I was there for about 8 hours, crying, and frantically texting my stepfather to come back home to the people that love him. I think i sent him about 80 or so texts before he finally texted:  'Help'.
 I called him and he answered, but when i asked him where he was, he sounded so out of it that all he could muster was a simple "Help. I'm .." I have never known a broken heart until that moment. I felt so helpless and angry and scared and sick all at the same time. My stepfather was calling me to help, and i could not.
The police couldn't track his phone, they said the number didn't exist *idiots* we confirmed it did by phoning all the phone companies and finding out who his provider was. Still, they could do nothing.
Luckily he had a second phone which he had used to text his daughter, and this one they could trace. They found him in a parking lot with the hose from the vacuum cleaner on his Tailpipe, mere minutes away from death from exhaust fumes.
We all rushed to see him in the hospital. He was deeply affected by the fumes and was really out of it. He declared that nothing had changed and as much as he loved us, he was 'done'. I spent the next week visiting him in the psych ward, to which he is staying in for quite some time, and dealing with my traumatized family. There were lots of tears, fights, and emotional breakdowns from all of us. It was a tough week, and just when i thought things might be settling down a tad, the next bomb dropped.

We received an email from our adoption agency Choices, saying that they had terminated contracts with OWAS, our American agency. Without this connection an adoption from the DRC would not be possible. "Never fear"- they said- "we have two other options for you."
We looked into the options given to us and sadly we can not afford either option. Both are way out of reach for us. Especially since i have spent 3000 over budget this month, because of all of these emergencies that couldn't be helped. It was already very very tight financially and we already have debts, no matter what we do we can not make this work. Both require us to put forth 20,000+ more then what we have.
The American agency then told us they are willing to continue working with us, however our Canadian agency refuses to work with them.
Sounds like they are having issues and not getting along. It's nice that we Canadian families have to pay the ultimate price for this dissension.

Oh but we qualify for a refund- a grand total of 300 dollars. Nice huh? Sigh.

So after 7 1/2 years of desperation, endured trials and tribulations, probably something like 90,000 spent on our journey to have a baby, both through adoption and trying to beat my infertility, we have come to an end. We will never be a family of three. I will never get to hold my child in my arms. It hurts more then i can describe, and i don't think i have finished a day without tears, for all that i have lost, including the chunk of my heart that this adoption ripped from my chest.

I have only wanted to be a mother, since i was 13 and begged my mother to adopt and let me 'secretly have' the baby. What am i supposed to do for the next 50 years. Just merely work and exist? My mother keeps referring to her childless friends that have great lives and spend the days bowling away. I don't wish to bowl, i don't even like bowling. I know she is only trying to help, but it just hurts more thinking about how grim my future looks. How life will be exactly as it is now, forever.

I don't mean to whine or have a major pity party but why me? What have i done so wrong to miss out on the ultimate experience, to have one life but not be able to truly live it and have my only dream.

For those of you that have the dream, just hold your little ones close and give them a little squeeze for me. Never forget how blessed you are.


  1. Oh my goodness, my heart is just breaking for you right now. So much, TOO much for your to deal with and go through.

    Is there a way you could contact me by email? I would love to keep in contact (maybe through FB or something.) My email is wymsel @ live dot com

  2. That is a horrible week. The only hope that I can offer is that currently there is an agency in BC still working with OW (they are evaluating their relationship so no guarentees, but might be worth a call!) I am working with them and registered with OWAS. They are the Adoption centre of BC out of Kelowna -maybe this will work for you?!? Best wishes!


  3. I just stumbled across your blog as we too are adopting from DRC. I say too, bc I hear God speaking. He wants you to continue. Be a home for these children. Fight for them. HE will provide the finances. HE will provide a way. Our babies are fighting to survive each and every day. Fight with them. Fight for them! As hard as it is today, believe in tomorrow! I would love to talk more. katie (dot) enns (at) gmail (dot) com

  4. I just found your blog today and I don't even know that you'll see this reply but I had to say something. You seems so wonderful and ready to be a mama so please keep going. Not for you but for your future child, keep going, don't take your family away from this kiddo because your spent, keep going.Check out the DRC Adoption Services website. I've heard tons of awesome things about them and they will help you figure out your next move. Or Our Family Adoptions because though they are no longer doing adopitons the director is stellar and can help answer some questions and point you in the right direction. God Bless You and I am going to be praying for you and praying for success. I will also pray that if you really are done that you find peace with that and DO have a wonderful fun filled life!!

  5. I'm sorry, I don't know you, but I just want to ask you to please not give up! I'm just afraid it doesn't have to be over! I don't know your whole story or how much money you have spent or every ounce of hope that has been poured out, but I do know there are still kids who need families and you are a family that needs a kid. There must be another option?? Does Canada have a foster care system?
    Don't let go, don't give up!!!!
    Praying for you!

  6. Oh how I pray this wasn't the end for you. The tears are freely flowing, as I can not imagine the hurt from all of these events. I feel, because I don't know you, that I have no rapport in your life--but oh how I hope you keep trying. If you don't know Him, there is a God-the one true God- and he loves orphans...and he loves you too. There is great healing to be found in His love-and perhaps there is a child meant just for you. He can do this. We, too, are on a journey of adoption for a congolese child and we live in BC no less! We have no extra money each month and you're right, the bliss are astronomical-yet God is making a way for us. Praying for you to have hope.