Monday, December 23, 2013

I have lost that christmas feeling.

Hello, to whomever is out there. I doubt there is anyone still reading this old blog, and i wouldnt blame anyone. I can hardly believe its been over a year since my last post. Almost a year and a half! In some ways, it feels like its been an eternity since my adoption came to a close, but in other ways, i am so used to waiting and wishing my life away, that the days vanish beneath me, and blur, making time fly by. 

I dont exactly know why after all this time i have returned. A part of me felt so bad to anyone who was engaged in my blog, to just leave it hanging on such an awful note, not really giving any sort of closure to my situation. Was the adoption on, or was it truly off? I didn't want to come back, because, well...i had no good news to share. Only bad. And i am, or i was an optimistic person, and i cant stand the whiners and complainers, crying out to people they dont know on blogs, I just didn't want to be all 'woe is me' you know? But now, i don't really care, i deserve a little whining. And today, i need to tell someone all that i hold inside. 

I guess the biggest reason for this post, is probably due to the impending christmas. Which is a hard enough time as it is for all us infertile women. Christmas is such a family time. And its so beautiful as such. Actually everything is such a family time....but christmas this year, is especially painful. Last year was too, as it was the first christmas we had to face the facts that we will not be expecting our baby. But this year is even colder. Crueler in some way. Maybe it has truly sunk in this year. Or maybe i have just lived an entire year , gone through all the seasons, and holidays without the remote possibility of becoming a mother, without any hope. and now that i have reached the end of the year and seen that the rest of my life will be this but probably worse, has just been breaking me down. 

I have always been such a christmas obsessed person. Or holidays of any sort. And this year, i have just felt hollow. Dead inside. I cant bring about that magical feeling no matter what i do. 
People tell me that at least i can ' move on ' now, 'start my life'...what life? This is not a life i want. This life, is cruel, long, bitter. How can i get through the next 50 years living like this. I dont remember wanting anything more then a family. I can;t even imagine what it will be like to be on my deathbed, thinking to myself that i cant believe i never got to have a family. My only ride on this earth, and i missed out on everything i wanted, i never got to hold my baby, talk to my baby, hear his voice in my head calling out 'mom'. Sure maybe i can have some shallow experiences. A new car, a house, a boat blah blah. But who cares. I don't drive. I dont really want a house. I get sea sick. I don't really care for travelling across the globe. I just want to be a mother. 

But i wont be. Lifes not fair they say. People have it worse. People are dying. Well, you know what....i am already dead. I may be alive and "healthy " but i am not healthy of mind. I am broken beyond repair. I quit my job. Cut out all my friends and family. Not to be nasty, but just because one day, i just didn't care anymore.  I am in debt up to my eyeballs, it will take me a lifetime to pay it off, except i have no job now.... just debt, with nothing to show. Everytime i pay it down a tad, i cry hysterically. I feel like i have been robbed. Every thing that i was, or hoped to be has been stolen from me from this journey.

I can hardly leave the house these days, and the last 3 times i did in the summer, 3 horrible things happened, plunging us further into debt, and closing the book forever on adopting/fostering/ or having any children in my life. I truly believe i am cursed, and i am terrified to leave my house. Something happens EVERY time, perhaps people have just gotten cruel, or life is just supposed to be this damn hard with little to no happiness.

 I know what you are thinking. I sound extremely depressed, and perhaps its for the best that this did not work out for me. But believe me, this is not who i was. I was a social butterfly, happy, excited i had that, you know, christmas feeling about life. I had goals and dreams. And then suddenly, they were just gone, and there is no way around it ( believe me i have tried ) and they is no way to get them back. It just is what it is. Adoption broke my soul in a way i cant explain, and i have never even heard of this happening to anyone to this degree. Its like the day it failed, i lost myself overnight. I stare into the mirror, and i want to strangle the person on the other side. I hate her. Who feels this way? I know deep down that this is all my fault. I have destroyed my husbands life. He is stuck with a disgusting infertile, whos screwed up body is the cause of most of our debts, who cant drive, nor work, has developed some sort of extreme agoraphobia and social anxiety, is depressed, has no goals or hopes beyond get up and dream about all the ways i can escape this endless tireless life and then drown in self pity and sleep to repeat again another day. I am a loser. Now i am. And in the state im in, even if by some magical miracle, somehow we were able to adopt or conceive, i wouldnt be able to go through with it because i doubt i can ever get myself back. I cant fathom how that would even happen. I am so far from who i was that i cant imagine how i could ever become that sweet naive girl, who was so positive and full of life. You cant go back to that. Ill never be her again. And the woman i am today, is a mess, waiting for deaths mercy. I know it sounds dramatic. But i don't believe in putting on a show for some blog readers that may or may not read this. 

This is my life now.
Now do you see why i didnt come back?
Nobody wants to hear this crap. Nobody wants to read what happens when nothing happens, and your doomed to watch tv until you die. I truly have nothing to write ever, because i have nothing to write about, nothing ever happens. And nothing ever will. I am sorry i have nothing positive to update with. But perhaps this will resonate with someone else who has experienced what i have, and know you are not alone. Because i really feel like i am. I feel like i am dead inside. I can;t remember the last time i have not been empty and lost. I keep thinking it will go away and i will be back to my old self. But it never does because as long as i know i am motherless, with better chances of winning the lottery then ever getting to hold a baby in my arms, i will feel this way. It will never go away.  I literally wake up every morning and i cant believe this is my life. I know some of you may feel i have no right to complain. There are people dying and suffering. That's true. But should they not complain either, because there is someone always worse off? Your pain is all relative. And i know what i feel: Dead. Except sadly, i am not.