Thursday, December 29, 2011

It's been too long

I feel so bad, it's been forever since I have posted....

I guess the truth is, I have been avoiding my own blog. Our homestudy is well under way, and every time I think about it, all of my fears resurface, and I can hardly bear it. Everyday I wonder if we will succeed, how we will raise the funds, if we will ever be approved. It seems so impossible, and to think that one day we could be a family with a child of our own just seems so out of reach that even thinking about it seems silly.

I guess you want to know how our home study is coming along....I'd like to say great, but our last visit left me concerned. Our worker is amazing, easy to talk to, and so sweet. It isn't her, it's us. I can see that she has some concerns about our finances, and she is also concerned with the fact that we are the youngest adoptive parents that she has met with. She admitted that to us. She then began talking about domestic adoption and how financially it would work better for us. From the way she spoke of it, I worry that she will approve us for domestic and not for international...if this is the case, i doubt i will proceed. Domestic adoption is just not in our hearts, for a large variety of reasons, it's just not for us.

So i have been feeling rather pained lately when i think of adoption, or homestudies, or my blog. To say it hurts writing this is an understatement. I feel like i am ruining our chances with each homestudy meeting, and i can only just watch the light get dimmer and dimmer.